I was wondering how it would have been if I had stayed. Looking back now it feels like every step, all the mistakes and hits led me to right here and now. It is a sort of bitter sweet feeling, and today while we were dancing in the living room I realized that the huge gap between us was because of this sadness, unmeasurable. And yet this is what keeps us close, what keeps us longing for each other, like something you can never reach.
In a way, I was never there.
The day started white, the snow falling outside made me think about the readings I wanted to do today and all the movies on my list sitting there waiting for me. It took me a few minutes to decide where to start, movies first, books after, email to friends and phone calls by the end of the day. But that feeling wouldn’t leave me alone. What had happened if I had stayed? What happened to my old friends and their long hairs? We were all so alone and so lost, and yet how lucky we were! I figured that having no certainties was what made us all free, and what brought me here.
I read Judith Butler and saw some movies from my list, some others that I found it could be good. I enjoy my solitude, every part of it.
And I will never know why she didn’t call me Abigail.