Repulsion

Polanski, psychoanalysis and gender.

…

When we are together it feels like I am about to jump. It feels like in suspension. It feels like there is nothing else around me, nothing. Interesting to see that he has so little or nothing at all to do with it. (long discussion about alterity).

There was  Garde Manger this past week and the restaurant is really special. Not so sure it was worth of my 180$ dollars, but it was good I must say. Not just the food, which was exceptional, but the decor, the music, the walls texture, it was like walking into another dimension, amazing experience.

.

So now that I’ve decided what I want, I need a bibliography and a plan.

And I need to make my luggage and get ready for Brazil.

.

Husband is having weird behavior. I wonder why. Jealousy does not bother me much, but controlling makes me very upset. I wish people were able to verbalize more often what is it that makes them unhappy or uncomfortable. I don’t like when others assume that I have  a sixth sense, sorry to let you know that I don’t have super powers! And I don’t wish to have them. Talking is still the best way to make things clear.

.

Repulsion is the name of the movie I will be analyzing.

k

patterns

So it looks like there is a pattern. It seems like i saw this movie before. It is a gore movie. I left the day with a feeling that I was too late. And yet it doesn’t mean anything. Spoke to I. and told him what I should have said before, years ago: “I was not ready”. He knew, of course, he always knew. There was nothing to be done.

He was waiting for me, when the day was already gone. With wine and a kiss, and his lightness of being crushed me like never before. It was simple, it was on the reach of my hands. It was like seeing through. Simplicity is pretty hard to get.

Got my book and went to bed, waiting for the sleep that never really came.

I think yoga might save me.

k

going and coming

As pessoas vem e vao. Tautológico eu sei.  Com os anos, sao tantas as pessoas que vao…     Eu precisava muito daquela conversa com o F. Tudo parecia muito claro depois de ouvi-lo falar. Um dos maiores elogios que ouvi de K. foi que F. e eu éramos um todo dividido. A gente se parece muito.  Basicamente nao é novo. Basicamente eu ja sabia, basicamente eu sempre soube. Basicamente nunca foi. Patético quase.

Terminei finalmente a Luce. A mulher escreve muito bem, e muito bonito. O que fica do livro é uma sensação de reconhecimento, de identificação e de surpresa. Seria com certeza um tópico interessante pro doutorado,  com cinema, com psicanálise.

O dia rendeu boas fotos, rendeu bom textos, rendeu. Acho interessante que mr P diga que penso muito, quando é ele que se preocupa demais. Clichés me cansam fastidiosamente, e ele é um grande cliché. Essa coisa de que nada mais o surpreende, que ele ja viu tudo isso, que canseira! Que tédio deve ser nao se surpreender com mais nada e ninguém. E que prepotência! O mundo é tao fantástico e as pessoas ainda mais, como é que isso pode ficar monótono???

Claro, claro, existe um padrão talvez.

G. andava pela casa semi nu. Tinha uma poesia nos passos que me surpreendeu muito. Me deu um beijo e saiu com o computador na mao, lendo as noticias. Voltou alguns minutos depois, eu ja com o sartre nas maos lendo prazerosamente. Ficou sem jeito, me deu outro beijo e disse que me amava mesmo eu amando outro. No caso, o Sartre. Meu homem é de uma beleza inexplicável, mas muito persuasiva.

Meu domingo acabou muito cedo.

k

=)

 

 

The spring never fails

As I was walking home yesterday H would not leave my head. Irigaray using Levinas and Merleau Ponty to explain how come the touch can be an extension of seeing and being had just blowed my mind. I walked home forgetting the misfortunes of the day, under an almost rain and a sky that seemed to be very close to me. And it is also interesting to see how come some dudes just like to pretend to know it all, and they come talk to you as if they have all the answers of the universe, they pretend to read you, to know the meaning of your subtle illiterate speech. I like to play with it. But no, I don’t need a Yoda.

As I was walking home under the “willing to fall” rain I remembered it all. A certain knowledge that is immemorial came back, or I came back.

But what makes me love her is exactly the fact that she shows me who I am. It is a sort of distorted mirror that you have to figure out by yourself what you see, and if what you see is actually what is.

And I got home and saw him, barely dressed, walking heavy in his lightness of being, touching the void like anybody ever did, and respecting it as it is, a deep hole with a meaning yet to be discovered. No meaning, perhaps an image.

The misfortunes of the day were almost forgotten when his barely dressed body came to me. To be in love is also to find yourself more than to lose it.

k

the show must go on

I am always amazed by how extraordinary some people can be. I was reading Lucy Irigaray and felt in love with her writing, her thoughts. I am in love with an Idea… (The winter has been lovely this year, every morning looks like an interlude of colors).

But this week was a though one. There was the case of rape in Paraiba, Brazil, that made me sick to the bones. Women condition around the globe is very hard and sad. And I was just talking to my little sister and she was explaining to me that on her job her own boss is harassing her and she can’t do anything besides leave her job which of course she can not. Terrible.

We need to change the way we understand the concept of sexual difference so then things can change. 

And there is the homesick feelings that are stronger than ever lately. As I was looking the old pictures of my friends a bitter sweet feeling took place on me… because I miss a time and not a person or a specific moment. I miss all that was and I didn’t know.

I am becoming a good soccer player.

k

To kill a mockingbird

Eu tenho uma vaga lembrança desse livro que eu li provavelmente quando tinha uns 10 anos. Tinha ficado triste com as injustiças do sistema judicial e de certa forma a cidadezinha e seus habitantes me fazia pensar um pouco sobre as pessoas ao meu redor. Um otimo livro.

A few weeks ago we learned that they are moving the whole department to Blatislava, which took some people by surprise, even myself, but for another and completely different reason. But it is indeed kind of weird to actually see how globalization really works… If Thompson was alive in nowadays I bet he would write a very interesting book about the disassociation of the whole with the individual, and how it reflects deeply in our lives and decisions. But hey! He may have done it already! Yes, when he was writing about the industrial revolution, few centuries ago. I kind of feel like saw this movie before…

Meanwhile in Brazil, where my family have more important worries than the globalization and its problems, my dad wonders when I will go visit him. And I know that in his mind this is gonna be the last time he is ever gonna see me again. Needless to say how much it hurts me to even think about this possibility. They say that we are always something to become, un devenir in french, and that this is what defines us.

 

My luckiness is that I have great friend. People I really love. Love, in the end might as well be what defines us.

k

The Ides of March

Truth is I like George Clooney as director. I like his long shots, his close ups and of course the stories. It was like that in Good night and good luck, and now with The Ides of March. But as usual the weekend passed by to fast and I didn’t do everything I wanted to, counting the hours for my vacation.

In between Julia Kristeva and Keruac I find my way through my week.

k

The Ides of March

Truth is I like George Clooney as director. I like his long shots, his close ups and of course the stories. It was like that in Good night and good luck, and now with The Ides of March. But as usual the weekend passed by to fast and I didn’t do everything I wanted to, counting the hours for my vacation.

In between Julia Kristeva and Keruac I find my way through my week.

k

The last day of Abigail

I was wondering how it would have been if I had stayed. Looking back now it feels like every step, all the mistakes and hits led me to right here and now. It is a sort of bitter sweet feeling, and today while we were dancing in the living room I realized that the huge gap between us was because of this sadness, unmeasurable. And yet this is what keeps us close, what keeps us longing for each other, like something you can never reach.

In a way, I was never there.

The day started white, the snow falling outside made me think about the readings I wanted to do today and all the movies on my list sitting there waiting for me. It took me a few minutes to decide  where to start, movies first, books after, email to friends and phone calls by the end of the day. But that feeling wouldn’t leave me alone. What had happened if I had stayed? What happened to my old friends and their long hairs? We were all so alone and so lost, and yet how lucky we were! I figured that having no certainties was what made us all free, and what brought me here.

I read Judith Butler and saw some movies from my list, some others that I found it could be good. I enjoy my solitude, every part of it.

And I will never know why she didn’t call me Abigail.

k

In time and Coco avant Chanel

So the new year started with a very bad cold that of course didn’t stopped me from watching some movies, it was actually one the few options I had since I was too weak to go out. And because I was weak and tired and it was after all time to relax and don’t think too much I decided to start with In Time, a movie written by Andrew Niccol who is the same guy that wrote The Truman Show (a great movie btw) and starring Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried.

So the story happens in a not so far future where people stop aging at 25 years old but are engineered to live one more year. Having the means to buy your way out of the situation is a shot at immortal youth. Trying to not spoil the movie too much, the story is a very good parody to what happens right now in our contemporary society, it is indeed a very marxist movie, made simple.

Everything you buy is charged in minutes, minutes that you are actually taking out of your life as you are born with a watch that tells you how many minutes, hours, you have left. You work to gain more time to live but yet life costs are higher and higher. And this is not exactly what we do? We sell our time, our lives, in order to live, in order to buy. Of course this is not the best acting of Timberlake’s career but the movie is worth a shot, like my dear teacher used to say: the beauty of a movie depends on the eyes of its viewers!

————

Coco avant Chanel.

I didn’t like the movie, didn’t like the story line, and maybe it is because I don’t like Chanel. Talking to an old friend she was telling me how brave and feminist Coco was and I couldn’t disagree more. I mean, the lady was avant-garde for sure but to say that she was a great feminist is way too much, she didn’t fight for women’s rights, she wasn’t a very independent woman and on the top of all that she was a nazi spy! I mean, seriously? Making it short, I could have spent my time watching something else.

————-

I am still in love with my readings, the list of desirable books are getting bigger and bigger. The good thing about finishing school is that you actually can spend more time reading what you really like. ( I have to enjoy this period of my life because school is coming back soon).

k